My Self Destructive Ways…

8.13.12

It has been 9 months and 3 days since my gastric bypass surgery and I am down 206 lbs total now, weighing in at a little more than 287lbs.

I hit the 9 month mark down another pound and a half. Nine months has come and gone pretty quickly, so I started thinking about how it is going to be a year in just 3 more short months. I decided to set a goal of 246-247lbs by my one year mark on November 10th. That would roughly be half of my starting weight of 493lbs. That would also mean that in the next three months I would have to average a weight loss of a little more than 3lbs a week. At this point it seems like a lot, but I think it is something achievable. That being said, if I do not hit that goal I will not be too disappointed, just as long as I keep working towards that goal and know I put a great effort into it. It is not about disappointments anymore.

After 9 months the changes on the outside have started becoming noticable. Unfortunately, the changes I need to make on the inside have not caught up. And that is because I have not faced the issues that I have. And they are many, of course. But right now, I am still the self destructive fool that I was for the first 38 years of my life, and that has to change. I need to face and get past some stuff and start caring more about myself, my well being, and my future.

I have been self destructive since I was young, and I know where it stems from, but opening that can of worms… well, it’s a big can to open for me. At some point when I was young I stopped caring about myself. That’s no big revelation, but quite obvious if you knew me and my story. In addition to overeating, I also am a very compulsive gambler. So bad so, that when I was 23 it got out of control and I left New York on a bus for Los Angeles. There’s more to be said about that, but I will let you use your imagination for now to figure out what happened. Whatever you are assuming is probably true in a very Martin Scorsese kind of way. When I left NY, I didn’t tell anyone. Not friends or family… I just left.

Why do I bring this up in this forum? Well, today is the 15th anniversary of the day I arrived in Los Angeles on that bus. And being me, I have been thinking a lot about my past(so much for living in the present, right), and those times. They weren’t the best of times, and they remind me of just how fucked up I am and how much shitty baggage I have. I know that soon, I will soon have to deal with a lot of that crap too. If I don’t I will just go down the bad paths again. There’s a lot of stuff to get past for me.

Earlier this year I received two traffic tickets. One for speeding and another that was a cell phone ticket that the cop said he reduced to something else. Well both tickets were over $400 each. I didn’t pay them and now they are over $1,000 each. I also have to turn my license in by the end of the month if they are not paid. Why haven’t I changed? Why am I still trying to fuck myself up? Why do I still feel worthless? Why am I sabotaging myself and making myself unappealing to others? I don’t know the answers. Or do I, I’m not quite sure. I know that I need to change some things and change soon though. I cannot live like I did in the past. It’s as unhealthy as eating fast food every day for 5 years(which I did).

There is no surgery to cure your self destructive ways, unfortunately you have to handle that shit on your own. I have spent a lot of time thinking and analyzing why I am the way I am, and where it comes from. I am pretty sure I gave myself a great self diagnosis too. It is just a matter of facing it, and wanting to change. I have to want to live a better life. I have to want to change 100% of me, not just the parts you can see on the outside. I have to start loving who I am and can be. Ugh, I just made myself throw up! That was so corny…. but yes, so true…