The Waiting Is The Hardest Part…

So usually I only update when I have lost weight, but right now with everything going on, I thought I’d post again. I’m not sure where to start, as I have a million things, feelings, running through my head. Friday was a pretty tough day for me. When my doctor told me it wasn’t kidney stones, I started getting a lot more nervous. He started using the word cancer a lot more in our talks too. About what the tests were looking for and what he was going to be looking for next. I am trying to stay optimistic, and know that this can be anything still, but also trying to stay realistic. I’ve been very honest on here, so I’m not ashamed when I say I cried a lot on Friday. At least 4-5 different times throughout the day. Many people told me that after my gastric bypass surgery I would be a lot more in touch with my emotions and that sometimes ud cry for no reason, but that really never happened for me. But, have a doctor tell me that there’s a possibility of cancer, and the waterworks started on me.I didn’t cry in his officeor in front of anyone else, but it happened all day Friday. Thoughts would get in my head and I couldn’t shut it down for some reason. I’ve been a lot better yesterday and today. I have been trying to stay busy and not think about it. I’m still hoping for some good news. Today I went out and went shopping. I boughgt a few things I needed, like a fall/winter jacket. Its gotten cooler and most of my shirts are short sleeved. Going to New York this week, ill need a jacket. It is nice to shop for smaller sizes. I also bought a size 42 jeans today for the first time. That felt good. I also bought a size 2x shirt. I think that was a first too, ut not positive about that. The weight is slowly still coming off. In about a month it’ll be one year. A couple of friends of mine already told me they are going to come and visit next month, so that is something to look forward to. I’m still nervous about the Fish test results that ill be getting in two days. I’m very depressed about the Urethroscopy I have to have too. I know its in my best interest for my health, and that its going to be able to tell me conclusively if there’s any cancer going on, but it doesn’t make it suck any less. My grandmother used to have this boyfriend named Joe. He was an old Italian guy, right off the boat. A very strong man. I remember vividly him telling me that if any doctor told me he had to put anything in my. You know where, to punch him and run the other way. He told me it was the most painful thing hed ever had done. He was probably around 75 years old then. I never forgot that, and it really sucks that of all the things this is what I HAVE to have done to me. Yes I’m complaining, sorry. That’s life, and how shit goes, but it really sucks. I know potentially it could figure out what’s wrong with me and all that, but its just horrible. I can’t candy coat it. Sometimes I think I’m more nervous knowing I have to have that done than I am of getting the $fish test results. When the doctor told me he was going to have to do that test he said its “usually tolerable”. I took great comfort in that, and then punched him in the face and ran the other way. Actually I didn’t. I told him okay, if that’s what we have to do to find out then that’s what we have to do. The past two days I’ve just been trying to occupy my time as best I could. I’ve tried to stay busy, keep my mind off of things. As Tom Petty said, the waiting is the hardest part. I felt like I had a lot more to say, but its not coming to me right now, so ill just sign out. Sorry for one big paragraph, but I’m doing this on my blackberry from a Starbucks by my house. Hopefully it works. And hope you are all well.

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