I have not updated in a while, so on my bus ride from Queens into Manhattan right now, I will attempt to from my blackberry. Its been quite the past week and a half. I came to NY on Tuesday morning last week. The reason for my trip was my niece’s baptism which was this past Sunday. While here I have been able to see friends, family, and a couple of Yankees games. The best part has been forgetting temporarily about what has been going on health wise for a little bit, or trying to.
I received the results of my Fish test back last week and it was thankfully negative for malignant cells. There were some other cells found in the sample that would conclude that the test was contaminated, but my doctor is going with negative and saying that it does not preclude me from having cancer and that we have to move forward and schedule the other test now. I haven’t scheduled it yet, as I have been trying to get my head around wanting to have it done while I’m awake or asleep. I am leaning towards asleep, which would then mean I have to have some other tests done beforehand. Anesthesia scares the hell out of me, but so does the thought of being awake for this procedure. I will probably make plans to schedule it later today or tomorrow and go from there. When I get back to LA from New York it will pretty much be all business again with this then.
While I have been gone I have been trying my best to not think about what’s going on. For a couple of days the blood stopped and I really started feeling good. I kind of let myself start to think maybe it was something else, and the issue stopped, but then I was forced back into the reality when it started re appearing again. I wish I could describe what kind of feeling it is when that happens, but the only way I can think of is to say it sucks. Its like you feel the positivity literally draining out of you at that exact moment. Seeing that blood is just a miserable thing. So inbetween trips to the bathroom the rest of this trip has been very nice. I mentioned I went to two Yankees games. The best way for me to describe my relationship with the Yankees is this way… Some people have religion, and I have the Yankees and Yankee Stadium. When I go watch the Yankees, its weird to say, but I feel like I am home. Its a very peaceful, good, relaxing(sometimes) feeling I get over me. When I am at a Yankee game I forget everything in the outside world. Everything. For those three hours, nothing else matters. And it is really nice, for lack of a better word. Although I may yell, scream, and get angry while rooting on my team, it is just joy being there. I was happy I got to go to those games while I was home. I wish life could have stood still in one of those games, but that’s just not how it goes. Life, unfortunately, is not a game like baseball. Okay, I’ll stop with that…
Sunday was my niece Emelia’s baptism and funny enough the pastor’s sermon had to do with the rising stats of people not believing in God. The pastor stated how he took it personally and didn’t understand how anyone could not believe or have faith. I wish I had an explanation for him, or an answer, but I don’t. I wish I did. I really wish I could believe deep inside of me that there was more, or was some supreme being or entity watching over us, but I don’t. I’ve tried. With everything going on with my health now, I wish I had something to turn to. I wish I believed that I could pray and “everything was going to be alright”. But to me it just isn’t true. And I think about those who put faith into this thing they could never prove, or see, and it must be satisfying. It must be nice to believe in something that you really feel to be true inside of you. For me, I am taking this as it comes and just hoping for the best.
I am not looking forward to going home to California. When I get there it will be days until I have the test that will pretty much tell me if I have cancer or not. Its a weird feeling knowing you may or may not have some disease. Weird is not a good word, but that’s the one coming to mind. Its hard not to think about, as much as you try not to. This could all just be nothing, or it can really be this horrible thing growing inside of you. Not to be graphic, but today I saw the most blood I’ve ever seen since this started. I don’t know what that means, but I need to know what this is before it really makes me insane. I know that day is coming soon and as much as I dread it, I know I have to find out. Good or bad. No matter what I find out, my life has changed because of it. If its cancer, then I probably got it from smoking. When I read up the causes of this type of cancer, it said smoking over ninety percent. I had one cigarette left in that pack I bought, and I will never smoke it. I will never smoke again in my life. It is that simple.
It is weird how all the warnings on cigarettes, commercials on tv, a friend dying of cancer… All of these things didn’t get through to me like this going on and reading it is more than likely caused by smoking. I’m done with it again, whether it is cancer or not.
I am now in a Starbucks in midtown Manhattan, and I’m about to meet up with an old friend to catch up and watch the Yankees. For those 3 hours tonight ill forget about everything else and just root on my team. And hopefully I won’t have to go to the bathroom until the game is over… Thanks for reading, and more to come later… Take care, Keith