Well it is now the moment of truth. I am just under 5 hours away from my cystoscopy.
Since I have been back in LA the blood has stopped. I am trying not to get too excited, because last time this happened it just started up again. But not seeing the blood makes you feel like you are going to be okay. The same way that seeing it for over the last 2 months has convinced me that something really bad was wrong with me. Mentally this is just a whole big mind fuck. I know that until I wake up later today and get the results from the doctor, all this blood shit won’t matter.
I couldn’t sleep tonight. I walked around Hollywood for a while. I thought about drinking, but I knew it would be wrong and didn’t do it. I did go to food though. I ate more tonight than I probably have in a long time. 2 snack wraps, a slice of pizza, a cheese sandwich, a piece of cake, and apple, and some mushrooms. Oh, and french fries from McDonald’s for the first time in a year. I could only eat some of them, as I felt like they were making me sick. I wish I had not eaten them, but I did.
I wish I could eat more now but I cannot have anything to eat or drink after 2am.
I got a little weird thinking about how today I could get great news or not so great news. It is a weird weird feeling knowing that. It’s going to be either one of the best or worst days of my life today. If I had to guess now, I would go with best because the blood stopped and now I had this whole mental outlook change. Whatever it is going to be it’s going to be though. It will be good to know, one way or another.
I am going to try to get a couple of hours of sleep. I have to be there for the procedure by 10am. It is after 5 now.
I will try to update later once I get the results. Thanks.