So I guess it’s been a while.
I wound up going to New York to see my family for Thanksgiving. Just got back to LA and thought I would update. Had nothing in particular to write about, so we will see what comes out of this.
I have been hovering around the same weight for a while now. 260-265lbs. Again, not doing enough to warrant me losing any weight, but not really going off track with my eating either.
I have recognized now that just eating right isn’t going to take off anymore pounds for me, so if I want to lose those next 20-30 pounds it is going to be hard. A lot harder than it has been for me so far on this journey.
I am wearing a XXL now in most things, and a size 42 jeans/pants. I think my feet even shrunk a little bit too. I used to wear wide shoes and wonder if now I can fit into regular. Next time I buy some shoes, I will have to check and see.
In the next month or so I will finally be having my ACL reconstruction surgery. I have mixed feelings about that. I absolutely need to have it, and want it done now, as I need to get back to work(and making salary again) but the 6 months recovery time is going to be pretty shitty. When I was in NY my knee really started hurting though, I guess from the colder weather. The sooner it gets done now the better though, and with my weight down significantly, the process should be a bit easier. It should be happening in January some time.
The mental stuff that comes with this surgery and your body changing is still there, but I am going to try not to dwell on it on here too much. It is one thing to lose all the weight, but another thing to get your head around the realization that you will always be imperfect. And imperfect is not very desirable. Don’t get me wrong, I know no one is perfect, but I just mean in this society of what is acceptable and what is not. With all the weight gone I am in much better health, and that is the important thing, BUT knowing what you still are and being okay with it is another. I know I have to be okay with it, so, yeah what else can be said about that. It is a constant reminder though every time you see yourself in the mirror. It just has to be something you pretty much have to get passed or get over. I am still in that process I’d say. It’s not the easiest thing. Losing the weight was much easier.
I feel like Doogie Howser writing this right now, I just thought I would say that. I keep waiting for Vinny Delpino to climb through a window in my house. I am sure that went over the heads of most reading this, oh well.
I am trying to focus more on accomplishing something I have always wanted to, and if I do that will be a personal victory. I have trouble concentrating or finding inspiration though. I think that is another mental thing. Living most of your life, when larger, you get accustomed to, or let yourself fall into feeling sorry for yourself I guess. I am not sure if it is a feeling sorry for yourself feeling or a feeling that overcomes you of not thinking you deserve happiness or anything good in your life. I need to overcome that loserish feeling and just go for it now. I had the weight to blame in the past, and now I do not have anymore excuses.
While in NY I went to see a Broadway play. I usually feel very inspired afterwards. This time I picked a real clunker though, and didn’t get that feeling. If I had the money I would have gone to another, but alas, maybe next time. I feel a real connection to the theatre for some reason. There are not many things in life more invigorating that seeing a great play. At least for me.
Well, it’s been a long and crazy year so far, and it is not over yet.
Til next time.