It has been 2 years, 3 months and 19 days since my last confession… aka my last blog post. And a lot has happened in that time.
Where to start?
I guess with the Cliff Notes on my life for the past 2+ years:
In January 2013 I met a girl.
In February 2013 I had ACL Reconstruction on my right knee.
In March 2013 I moved to Florida to recover from my surgery.
In April 2013 said girl came to visit me in Florida.
In June 2013 I got engaged to said girl, whose name is Bonnie.
In July 2013 I moved in with Bonnie and moved back to California.
In August 2013 I returned to working full-time.
In July 2014 I got married.
In September 2014 we went on our dream honeymoon to Italy and France.
In November 2014 we were asked to be in a weight loss commercial for my gastric bypass surgery center.
In December 2014 me and Bonnie moved into a new place closer to our jobs.
In March 2015 I participated in my first 5K.
So what is it that has me returning to this blog again after 2 years?
Well, what I left out is that I am almost 40 pounds heavier that I was when I wrote my last blog post in December of 2012. In rereading that post, I was hovering between 260-265. Today I am hovering between 300-305. When I last posted I was wearing a size 42 pants and a 2xl shirt. Today I am a 44 pants and a 3xl shirt. And I feel extremely guilty about it.
I got off track. Plain and simple. I got off track. I stopped writing here. I stopped going to support groups, that I used to attend once a week, and I let myself get sidetracked. How could I let that happen? First I said, well, 270 is okay. Then 280. Then 290. THEN, okay I am NOT going over 300 NO MATTER WHAT. And guess what… of course I did. So what did I do about it? Nothing. Until now.
I joined a gym last week. And I am going to start writing this blog again. This blog was part of the checks and balances I put on myself. I had to keep up appearances here. I could not let myself fail. As long as I was writing this, I had to keep it positive and keep losing weight. When I stopped in December 2012, it started a slow progression to two years later and 40 more pounds. It is unacceptable. I know it is. I have made excuses until today about it, but the excuses will stop with this posting. They just have to. NO MORE WEIGHT GAIN. I have come too far to go any further towards my earlier 493lb life.
I have guilt. Let me tell you. I was once a guy that only drank water and diet iced tea and NOTHING carbonated. I was once a person that ate chicken breast and salad at every meal too. Fast forward to present day and 40 more pounds, and I am someone who drinks diet soda and eats fast food again. How does that happen? Well, it did. I am ashamed of that, but it is my truth.
The McDonald’s started with a grilled chicken snack wrap one day when I was hungry. I told myself that grilled chicken in a tortilla was healthy! Wasn’t it? Well, maybe for McDonald’s. But the snack wrap became a double cheeseburger one day. And the iced tea with no sugar became a diet coke. After all, how much could it hurt just one time? I imagine that’s just what an addict would say to themselves. It’s just one more time, it can’t hurt. And, that’s what I am… a food addict. And maybe I forgot that somewhere along the way. If I could show you all my McDonald’s receipts over the past two years it would make you sick. It makes me sick.
Don’t get me wrong here, a LOT of great things have happened in the past 2 years. Let’s start at #1… I met the love of my life. Her name is Bonnie, and she is my everything. The most beautiful, loving, compassionate person I have ever known. Anyone that can put up with me, truly, is special. As the cliché goes, she’s the best thing that ever happened to me, plain and simple. We were engaged within 6 months, because when you know, you just know. And we knew. I have gotten to spend the past 2 years and 3 months traveling the world, and experiencing life with her. Each day is a new adventure, and I could not be more lucky.
Number 2, I went back to work. Working is great. Making money isn’t the most important thing, BUT, it is important! Having a purpose is important too. After rehab from my ACL surgery was complete, I was able to go back to my job again. I started full-time again in August 2013, and that is another positive thing that has happened.
Number 3. And this one is the thing that has constantly been weighing heavily on my conscience. We were in a weight loss surgery commercial. Sometime last year, probably around September or October, I received a call from the weight loss center that I had my surgery at. We have a very good patient/doctor relationship. They asked me and Bonnie to come in so that they could speak to us about a commercial they were thinking of filming, and they wanted to see if we were interested in taking part in it. We went in for the meeting, and we told them yes we would do it, but my conscience was so guilty about participating in it. Here I was eating fast food and drinking diet soda, yet, I was going to be in a commercial for gastric bypass surgery. My deciding factor to do it was that hopefully someone will see the commercial and decide to have the surgery. And it will help someone. I know how I was when I was 493lbs, with no hope at all, just dying a slow death every day. I know I was still down almost 200lbs, but the guilt from eating wrong was there. I just told myself that the positives outweigh the negatives, and if you can help someone then you have to do it. The commercial was done very professionally and came out very nice. I am just overly critical of myself, and when I see it I feel guilty for the weight I put back on. It was a positive experience, because of the positive effect I hope it had on someone else, but the guilt is there and will probably always be for me when I see it.
Wow, how time flies, doesn’t it. Much like the past 2 years, this day has flown by and I need to get ready for work.
I hope anyone reading this is having success on their weight loss journey or whatever journey they happen to be on that has taken them to this page. As Rocky Balboa said so eloquently, “it’s not how many times you get knocked down, it’s how many times you get back up.” Yes, I just quoted Rocky(do not judge me haha)!!! Yes, I stumbled along the way, and here I am again putting it all out there. Here I am, back up, and ready to go forward again in this healthier life of mine.
Thanks for reading.