The Waiting Is The Hardest Part…

So usually I only update when I have lost weight, but right now with everything going on, I thought I’d post again. I’m not sure where to start, as I have a million things, feelings, running through my head. Friday was a pretty tough day for me. When my doctor told me it wasn’t kidney stones, I started getting a lot more nervous. He started using the word cancer a lot more in our talks too. About what the tests were looking for and what he was going to be looking for next. I am trying to stay optimistic, and know that this can be anything still, but also trying to stay realistic. I’ve been very honest on here, so I’m not ashamed when I say I cried a lot on Friday. At least 4-5 different times throughout the day. Many people told me that after my gastric bypass surgery I would be a lot more in touch with my emotions and that sometimes ud cry for no reason, but that really never happened for me. But, have a doctor tell me that there’s a possibility of cancer, and the waterworks started on me.I didn’t cry in his officeor in front of anyone else, but it happened all day Friday. Thoughts would get in my head and I couldn’t shut it down for some reason. I’ve been a lot better yesterday and today. I have been trying to stay busy and not think about it. I’m still hoping for some good news. Today I went out and went shopping. I boughgt a few things I needed, like a fall/winter jacket. Its gotten cooler and most of my shirts are short sleeved. Going to New York this week, ill need a jacket. It is nice to shop for smaller sizes. I also bought a size 42 jeans today for the first time. That felt good. I also bought a size 2x shirt. I think that was a first too, ut not positive about that. The weight is slowly still coming off. In about a month it’ll be one year. A couple of friends of mine already told me they are going to come and visit next month, so that is something to look forward to. I’m still nervous about the Fish test results that ill be getting in two days. I’m very depressed about the Urethroscopy I have to have too. I know its in my best interest for my health, and that its going to be able to tell me conclusively if there’s any cancer going on, but it doesn’t make it suck any less. My grandmother used to have this boyfriend named Joe. He was an old Italian guy, right off the boat. A very strong man. I remember vividly him telling me that if any doctor told me he had to put anything in my. You know where, to punch him and run the other way. He told me it was the most painful thing hed ever had done. He was probably around 75 years old then. I never forgot that, and it really sucks that of all the things this is what I HAVE to have done to me. Yes I’m complaining, sorry. That’s life, and how shit goes, but it really sucks. I know potentially it could figure out what’s wrong with me and all that, but its just horrible. I can’t candy coat it. Sometimes I think I’m more nervous knowing I have to have that done than I am of getting the $fish test results. When the doctor told me he was going to have to do that test he said its “usually tolerable”. I took great comfort in that, and then punched him in the face and ran the other way. Actually I didn’t. I told him okay, if that’s what we have to do to find out then that’s what we have to do. The past two days I’ve just been trying to occupy my time as best I could. I’ve tried to stay busy, keep my mind off of things. As Tom Petty said, the waiting is the hardest part. I felt like I had a lot more to say, but its not coming to me right now, so ill just sign out. Sorry for one big paragraph, but I’m doing this on my blackberry from a Starbucks by my house. Hopefully it works. And hope you are all well.

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CT Scan/Doctor Results from Today…

October 5, 2012

I’m writing about what happened with my doctor today, because it is easier for me than talking. It’s a pretty miserable conversation at this point anyway. I’ll just get into it and say the news wasn’t what I wanted to hear. Just writing those few lines right there makes me want to stop doing this. This is just very uncomfortable to talk about. Not talking about it won’t make it go away though, I guess. So what does it matter. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen at this point. So here goes…

Let’s get it out there, I am scared. There is no getting around that at all at this point. I was scared going into my doctor’s appointment today, but was a lot more scared after I left. Going in you think you are going to be given an answer, something that explains why everything is happening. Instead he told me that I didn’t have kidney stones(which is what I was hoping it WOULD be) and that I now need to have another, more invasive test. He is going to test for Bladder cancer in that test and if he sees what he believes to be cancer he will take a biopsy. I looked up the symptoms for Bladder cancer immediately after I left the office, and I have most of them now. That doesn’t necessarily mean anything I guess(or I am trying to tell myself that-though I don’t believe it), but it doesn’t make me feel any more at ease now. To be honest, I have a really really bad feeling.

So, I DO NOT have kidney stones. The doctor told me the results of the CT Scan showed no kidney stones, but did show a thickening of the Bladder wall. The doctor looked at my urine again under a microscope today in his office and concurred he saw blood(I see it every day still). When I had the CT Scan I also had what the doctor referred to as a Fish Test or a DNA test. He told me today that it is testing for cancer cells and that if it comes back positive then, well, you have cancer cells in your bladder. Do the math on that one yourself. Regardless of how that test comes back I have to have another, very invasive test, that I will be put out for. I do not know when I will be having it, but I would imagine it will be soon.

I cannot believe this is all happening now, but IT IS. It really is. What can I say? That’s life. Maybe there is another reason I was losing all this weight so fast after all. Who knows anymore… Maybe this is all still nothing… Who knows…

That is the gist of it though. No kidney stones. Cancer cell results hopefully Tuesday, and then schedule the other tests. I am off to New York to see my family tonight, and then back to resume all this in around a week.

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It has been 10 months and over 3 weeks since surgery, and I now weigh 269lbs. Total weight lost is around 224lbs. And I am very happy about that, but, haven’t been really celebrating much lately.

See, around a month and a half ago I started noticing a few drops of blood in my urine. At first I thought it was just a freak thing, but after around a week I realized it was still happening and something must be wrong. I first told my bariatric surgeon about it, did a couple of tests for him, and he said I needed to see a urologist. Long story short, I saw a urologist. He did a urinalysis in his office at the time and confirmed that the blood was still in my urine. He did some other tests on me, including a prostate exam, and then told me I needed to have a CT Scan and another urine culture test.

I made an appointment at the hospital for last Thursday September 27, and went in to have my exam. They told me no eating or drinking for at least 4 hours before the test. I said, “even water” and she confirmed that I could not even have water. That day I woke up at 8am and my test was at noon. So I did not drink or eat anything once I got up. I got to the appointment on time and went to the admitting department of the hospital. From there they gave me the hospital wristband and sent me outside to the waiting room to be called. Before too long I got taken to the CT Scan room and I was laying flat on my back on the slab that fed you into the machine. I needed to have an IV put in because they needed to shoot a contrast, or iodine, into me. This is where the fun began.

I have always been a big guy so I don’t exactly have veins popping out of my arms. As nurses would say, I was always a “tough stick”. But after losing over 200lbs I thought it might be a little easier to find a vein for an IV in one of my arms. Apparently not, as they paraded in nurse after nurse to try to find one on me. No one was successful, and they just kept sticking me over and over. They tried both hands and arms to no avail. After a half hour, they told me I was dehydrated and needed liquids to open my veins up. I said, you told me not to drink anything or 4 hours though. Then they told me it was okay to drink, just not to eat anything. So I went home very unhappy and had to make another appointment for the following Monday(2 days ago).

I was anxious all weekend waiting for my test. There is nothing more frustrating than knowing something is wrong inside of you and not knowing what it is. Almost every time I go to the bathroom I am reminded that something is very wrong, and it is not a good feeling. I can be in the middle of a great day, but once I see those few drops of blood I immediately get other thoughts going through my head. It sucks, it really does. It sucks more when you let yourself think about what it can be. I am trying not to, but not being so successful at it.

Since this all started I have been smoking. I had a few cigarettes about two weeks ago, and then bought a pack last Thursday night. I have despised smoking since I quit, but that hasn’t stopped me from doing it again. It’s taken me a week, and I gave one away, but I only have 1 left. I hope it is out of my system now and I don’t want to buy another, but I was weak and gave in. I have noticed I have been drinking more too. I am not a big drinker at all, but have had a few cocktails of late. I am not getting crazy drunk or anything, but it is definitely a change from what is my norm. I just want to know what is wrong with me and figure out what needs to happen to make this stop.

So I went back on Monday for the CT Scan at 10am and after 3 more people tried, they finally got the IV in. The test went relatively smoothly. They did the Scan without the contrast, then they inject the iodine into you and a very warm feeling comes over your stomach and lower abdomen. It is a very odd feeling, and something I never experienced before. It wares off after a few minutes. Then you wait for the contrast to reach where it needs to, which takes about 20 minutes. After the 20 minutes they take the test and you are able to leave the hospital.

It has been 2 days since the test and almost everything that goes through my head these days has to do with the impending test results. I have a follow-up with the urologist on Friday(2 days from now) to see what they find with those tests.

I lost my best friend Aaron to rectal cancer in 1999. I bring that up for a couple of reasons. I recently had a chance to meet up with his sister, who was visiting California, and we got to catch up and share stories about her brother. I had not seen her since his passing and it was long overdue to do something like that. I also bring him up because of my prostate exam. It sucked, but made me think a lot about Aaron. When Aaron first went to the doctor to see what was wrong with him, he had to have a prostate exam. He told me about it afterwards and we laughed and laughed about it. How odd and uncomfortable it was. Jon Stewart had a routine about it as well, and he concurred he had the same experience he spoke about in his stand up special. After my exam, and all the absurdity of a guy telling you to drop your drawers and bend over, I could not help but think of him and those times. When I got out of the office and thought of Aaron I just started laughing at how right he was. I wished he was here to talk about it with. Now I could relate. Aaron was only 27 when he died.

So it is Wednesday night now and I stayed in all day today. I started cleaning my room, but didn’t get very far. I found some old clothes that were too big now and put them in some bags. I paid my storage bill. And then I decided to come here and write some stuff down about what has gone on in my life. Earlier in the day I had planned to do so much, but just didn’t get around to any of it. That has happened a lot recently.

My doctor’s appointment is at 10am on Friday, so I should hopefully know something about what is going on with my body that morning. I am hoping for good news… obviously. I know the news can be anything really. I am hoping I am able to go to New York in a few days as well. One of my nieces, Emelia, is having her baptism on the 14th and I hope to be there for that. I haven’t been able to see my nieces in a few months, and a trip to see them all would be nice right about now.

In a week I will be at the 11 month mark, and just 1 month short of a year since my surgery. I also have my birthday coming up in less than a month. I am hoping it will be a good month and a real happy time coming up. I had thoughts of planning something big like a party or something around that time, but haven’t really thought about it much lately. I am hoping when I reach the 1 year anniversary of my surgery, there will be a lot to be happy about. Til next time…

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A Quick Update…

It has been 10 months and 13 days since my surgery and I now weigh 272lbs, which is about 221lbs down from where I was on November 10, 2011.

In my last post 2 weeks ago, I mentioned how I was noticing blood in my urine. Well, I am happy to report, that I am stil having the same issues. Yes, that was sarcasm. The good news, if there is any, is that I saw a urologist this past week, and he ran some tests on me. He also referred me for more tests and a cat scan. I am hoping to schedule all the tests I need tomorrow, so I can have them taken care of as soon as possible. I have to admit, its quite alarming having something like this go on for a few weeks now and still not know what it is.

The urologist explained some of the things it could be to me, and at one point said they would be checking for malignancy too. When I heard that, I kind of spaced out for a brief moment and started considering that, hey, maybe this could be really bad. But then I snapped back and told myself that it is probably nothing again. So with that, I am going to schedule more tests and a cat scan, and hope that whatever it is, isn’t serious, and gets sorted out real soon.

With this going on, I also have to admit, that I have not been exercising much. I haven’t been eating bad, but have not been out doing my 3-4 mile walks as I was before. I have kind of been zoning out a lot the past two weeks, thinking about what is wrong with me. I have only lost 4 lbs in the past two weeks, and that sucks. My goal of losing 247lbs by the 1 year mark is not looking like it is going to happen at this point. I am 25 lbs away with around 6 weeks to go.

I also haven’t been writing at all lately, after I told myself that I was going to concentrate on doing just that. My anxiety has been acting up a lot, and I know I will feel a little more at ease when I know what’s up with me health wise. It will just make concentrating a lot easier for me. Until then, it is what it is.

I hope you all are well…


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I Need To See A What?

I am in Starbucks now, writing on the laptop. I have been trying to get out of my house to write this one man show, or book, or tv show thingy in a better environment. At home I just do not get anything done. Oh so yeah, I have these ideas, projects, whatever you want to call them. And I am trying, attempting, to finish SOMETHING, for once in my life.

As I sit here though, al I can think about it this other situation going on that I spoke about in the previous post. I am just going to write about it, cause I just don’t give a fuck.

Around a week and a half ago I noticed that the last few drops of my urine were a red color andd not the usual yellowish. The first time I noticed it I thought maybe it was something I ate or just a freak thing. Mind you, I have never had this happen in my life, and I am NOT one for blood at all. It didn’t happen again that day, but happened again the next day, and the next day.

I called my bariatric surgeon to see if this could be some kind of complication or what I should do and he told me to get a urinalysis and blood work. I went and had the both done a few days later, and of course by then I wasn’t having that issue. So the tests for an infection all came back negative, but immeditalely after I had the tests done, it started happening again, and now it has been around 4 days in a row. And now I am starting to get a bit worried.

I read up online about what it could mean, and the list goes from nothing too bad, to pretty bad. Unfortunately the not so bad, like an urinary infection(how is that not so bad, right) is kind of ruled out probably, because the test came back negative for that. So now, all I have is time to read up on other stuff it can be. And, let me tell ya, that is a lot of fun!

Maybe it is nothing, I don’t know, but I know that I should not have drops of blood when I fucking pee. I know that just ain’t right. Sorry that I am talking about this on here, if you are reading it and want to throw up. I want to throw up thinking about it myself. But I have been honest on here, and just though why not just put it out there. What do I care, right. I’ve got nothing to hide(well maybe). But, I’m fucked up, so whatever.

So I told my bariatric surgeon again that this is happening on a daily basis now, and he said I need to go to see a Urologist. So I called my adjuster, as I am out of work due to an injury and everything goes through them. I left her two messages this week and have still not heard anything in return yet. This waiting shit sucks. I don’t knkow if they are gonna come back and say that this isn’t on them or what, but I know that I need to find out what the fuck is causing this. Maybe I’m a hypochondriac or something. I know something ain’t right andd just want to know what it is.

Anyway, how was your week?

I am going to go back to listening to The Pixies on the iPod and try to get one of these project things moved a long a little. Just want to make a little progress on something every day. I am not proofreading this, but just gonna publish it. If I read it, I’ll probably erase it, so here goes nothing.

Talk soon…

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Coming Up on 10 Months Since Surgery…

It has been 9 months and 24 days since my surgery and I am now down to 276.9 lbs, which is 216 lbs down from where I started.

Will be coming up on 10 months in about a week, and although the weight is coming off slow, it is still coming off. I hit a dry spell there, and kind of plateau’d for a bit, but whatever that was I am passed it now.

A lot has been going on for me. My knee surgery has been pushed back a few months, so that I’m able to lose some more weight before my ACL surgery. That was kind of a relief. I think the less I weigh when I have it the surgery, the better off I will be during the recovery and rehab process.

That being said, I have been dealing with what could be my first complication from surgery OR it could be a separate issue that has nothing to do with my surgery. I had an issue come up this past week to ten days with my health, and I went for some tests to see what the problem was(or if there was one). Some of the tests came back okay, and I am still awaiting other ones now. My doctor wants me to see another doctor(specialist) to investigate the issue some more, so that will probably be happening in the next couple of weeks. I am being vague about the issue because it is not something anyone would really want to talk about. If it becomes something substantial I will go into it more on here, but as of right now and it not being determined yet, I will just say an issue has arisen(and hope it is nothing).

I feel great otherwise, and am walking as much as I can. I recently had two friends donate me some of their clothes too(that no longer fit them due to weight loss also). That was really nice, and I am so appreciative of them. As you lose weight, it is tough to just keep buying and buying, as you change sizes pretty rapidly. At the same time, you need to start wearing clothes that fit you correctly, and not thinking of yourself as that same gigantic person anymore in those same gigantic clothes. Getting into smaller clothing, even if it is just to see the different size tag, helps you mentally on this process a great deal. It is nice to not be wearing a table cloth for a shirt anymore.

I feel like I have gotten more focussed on the weight loss this past week. I am being careful about what I eat, and how much I eat, and trying not to drink anything while eating(which has been one rule of this surgery that I have broken on numerous occasions). I started eating protein bars and drinking iced coffee(okay maybe I shouldn’t be doing that) once in a while. The protein bars have helped a lot when I have that snacking feeling. They fill me up and get me the protein that I need.

I’m kind of at a loss for what else to talk about right now so I will just end it and if I think of anything else I shall return…

Thanks and hope you are all well!

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My Self Destructive Ways…


It has been 9 months and 3 days since my gastric bypass surgery and I am down 206 lbs total now, weighing in at a little more than 287lbs.

I hit the 9 month mark down another pound and a half. Nine months has come and gone pretty quickly, so I started thinking about how it is going to be a year in just 3 more short months. I decided to set a goal of 246-247lbs by my one year mark on November 10th. That would roughly be half of my starting weight of 493lbs. That would also mean that in the next three months I would have to average a weight loss of a little more than 3lbs a week. At this point it seems like a lot, but I think it is something achievable. That being said, if I do not hit that goal I will not be too disappointed, just as long as I keep working towards that goal and know I put a great effort into it. It is not about disappointments anymore.

After 9 months the changes on the outside have started becoming noticable. Unfortunately, the changes I need to make on the inside have not caught up. And that is because I have not faced the issues that I have. And they are many, of course. But right now, I am still the self destructive fool that I was for the first 38 years of my life, and that has to change. I need to face and get past some stuff and start caring more about myself, my well being, and my future.

I have been self destructive since I was young, and I know where it stems from, but opening that can of worms… well, it’s a big can to open for me. At some point when I was young I stopped caring about myself. That’s no big revelation, but quite obvious if you knew me and my story. In addition to overeating, I also am a very compulsive gambler. So bad so, that when I was 23 it got out of control and I left New York on a bus for Los Angeles. There’s more to be said about that, but I will let you use your imagination for now to figure out what happened. Whatever you are assuming is probably true in a very Martin Scorsese kind of way. When I left NY, I didn’t tell anyone. Not friends or family… I just left.

Why do I bring this up in this forum? Well, today is the 15th anniversary of the day I arrived in Los Angeles on that bus. And being me, I have been thinking a lot about my past(so much for living in the present, right), and those times. They weren’t the best of times, and they remind me of just how fucked up I am and how much shitty baggage I have. I know that soon, I will soon have to deal with a lot of that crap too. If I don’t I will just go down the bad paths again. There’s a lot of stuff to get past for me.

Earlier this year I received two traffic tickets. One for speeding and another that was a cell phone ticket that the cop said he reduced to something else. Well both tickets were over $400 each. I didn’t pay them and now they are over $1,000 each. I also have to turn my license in by the end of the month if they are not paid. Why haven’t I changed? Why am I still trying to fuck myself up? Why do I still feel worthless? Why am I sabotaging myself and making myself unappealing to others? I don’t know the answers. Or do I, I’m not quite sure. I know that I need to change some things and change soon though. I cannot live like I did in the past. It’s as unhealthy as eating fast food every day for 5 years(which I did).

There is no surgery to cure your self destructive ways, unfortunately you have to handle that shit on your own. I have spent a lot of time thinking and analyzing why I am the way I am, and where it comes from. I am pretty sure I gave myself a great self diagnosis too. It is just a matter of facing it, and wanting to change. I have to want to live a better life. I have to want to change 100% of me, not just the parts you can see on the outside. I have to start loving who I am and can be. Ugh, I just made myself throw up! That was so corny…. but yes, so true…

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